莫名

莫名的感动•••

莫名的悲伤•••

莫名的激动•••

莫名的愤怒•••

莫名的无奈•••

就是没有莫名的快乐。

A Life Less Ordinary

I’ve never wanted an ordinary life, yet my greatest joy comes from the most ordinary things in life.

 

It’s tiring to be me, too much contradictions and too many masks. At times I dun even know who I am.

 

There was a time where I believed that I could be myself, no mask, no pretending, just being myself through and through… and then I realized just how naïve I was. There’s no such thing as being yourself, there’s always roles to fit in , characters to act out. Even when you’re alone, you try to be the person which you want to be and not the person you really are.

 

*tired

 

I’ve been in limbo for the longest time, over the one issue that can make or break it all. I still cannot make the decision and sooner or later, something will come along and force my hand. My decision will be something which a lot of people cannot accept, but they are not me, how they even start to comprehend how I feel? I’ve been playing many roles and I know my limits, that particular role is something which I cannot excel in, I’m just not made out for it.

 

Evolution has its way of weeding out the weak. I was never a strong person to start with.

 

I just have to be prepared when everything starts to crumble.

 

Will you be with me when it happens?

I am not there..

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there; I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond that glints on snow.

I am the sun on ripen grain,

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning,

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circling flight.

I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there; I did not die.

 

Evil...

Evil No. 1: Esprit Sales
Even on normal days, Esprit have a corner which have all the sales items.. When it's normal priced, I find EDC clothes abit too ex, I just can't fork out 50 bucks for a tee, it's way too much. But after a few month, they would mark down the price and how can I resist a EDC tee going for 20 bucks?!
So mei and I went over to Esprit last weekend and spend almost 200 bucks.. hai.. we just cannot resist sales.

Evil No. 2: Nail Polish websites
This is bad, very bad.. I got introduced to a few great sites like Scrangie and Polish Mayhem.. I dunno where they get the time to try out so many nail polishes!!! And all of them are like so nice! And since ah dear is going to US soon, I'm preparing my nail polish shopping list already :p there's just too many to buy and I dun have enough space to keep them all!

Evil No. 3: The Paper Market
Now this is just pure evil.. first the catchy name, Paper Market.. Paper Market, it must sell paper! I'm always wary of scrapping supply stores, I dun wanna start something which I cannot stop, crystals are bad enough, but scrapping?! I'm thankful they have so much supplies then I sorta got lost and decided to give up.
Scrapping materials are not cheap and my crystal hobby is already a pretty pricey one.
And then this Paper Market comes up, right next to the escalator at Raffles City! How can I not go in?? How can I resist all the stickers and papers and cute little stuff!!

No to LUP

My house is up for upgrading and we agreed to say NO to LUP (Lift Upgrading Program).

Simple reason:
1. I dun want the house to be dusty for the next say 1~2 years.
2. The renovation will disturb Scruffy's afternoon nap.
3. Why should I pay for someone else's mistake? There's supposed to be lifts on every single floor as a fire safety rule, if "someone" conveniently forgets about it, is that my problem?

So there, no I do not want lift upgrading, please don't come disturb my life and I am NOT going to pay for YOUR mistake.

Trust

It's not easy to build and it's easy to be destroyed.

After all that had happened, it's really hard for me to trust again. In the first place, I never really like the idea of trusting people, bad experience in the past had made me trust no one but myself.. But sooner or later, I have to learn to trust someone again and I've decided that he's worth my trust.. Guess my judgment wasn't fantastic and he had disappointed me time and again.

I can forgive but I cannot forget what had happened. I just cannot trust him as much as I did in the past..

I dun think he understands that.. I think he have no idea why I was so pissed last night. Just 2 weeks ago he lied to me about going to Sentosa with his friend, does he seriously expect me to believe that he went to Sentosa with his friends yesterday? And he could not even bother to call me if I had not called him.

Then he stayed out late without even bothering to inform me about it. For all I know, he could have died on the way home, but what do I know?

I dunno what to say, I dunno what to think. If he cannot understand how I feel, that I think there's no point in apologizing coz it's just empty words. I dun need apologies, I need action and I'm not seeing anything.

Don't Speak

You and me, we used to be together
Everyday together always
I really feel that I'm losing my best friend
I can't believe this could be the end
It looks as though you're letting go
And if it's real, well I don't want to know

Don't speak, I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining, don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't speak, I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons, don't tell me cause it hurts
Sometimes words are really not enough.. sometimes it's better just to let go and move on.. It hurts, but I can cope with it. I have not hurt so bad since the last breakup, but the hurt cannot break me, I'm a survivor, life still goes on, whether we like it or not.

Hope.. Disappointment.. Pain

I managed to get through the whole day like normal, like nothing has happened.. only one of my closer colleague knew what happened, and I can still joke with her when I told her the story..

But when Jun, Xuan and Mei asked me what happened, the tears cannot stop.. It fucking hurts.. It hurts coz I know it hurts them to see me like so..

I'm trying to cope.. I'm trying to manage.. I'm just trying to go on like nothing has happened.. but it did happened, and not only once.. one bitten, twice shy.. and it's not even twice, there may be so many more times that I do not know about.

He always say he knows me well, that one look at me and he can tell what I'm thinking.. WELL I know him well too, I knew something was up, I just knew it.. and I had to go find out because I was stupid enough to hope that I can prove myself wrong. So stupid.. Hope is for the naive, I'm nearing 30, I should had known better. It's so so stupid of me.

No Hope = No Disappointment = No Pain

Silence is golden, ignorance is bliss.. I really do not want to know anything else.. no more..

No Luck...

11 years ago, I stayed overnight at NP (I think so..) waiting for the total solar eclipse, just before the eclipse hits maximum, clouds started to gather and it started raining.. One whole night's wait for nothing..

 

11 years later, I stayed up late to make my pinhole camera, trying to think of the best location to view the solar eclipse at my office. Even before the eclipse started, clouds gathered and it started to pour. One whole night's work for nothing..

 

What can I say?? I simply have no luck when it comes to eclipse.. But at least I managed to catch the repeat telecast of the event in China, it's so damn cool!! the whole sky turning dark.. now when will such an event happen again?? Will I ever get to see a total solar eclipse??

 
 

Just be a man

Some people are just wuss, they just cannot behave like a proper man, I would not be surprised if they do not have balls.

Recently I made a mistake at work, it's a quite a big mistake and customer suffered loss due to my mistake. So I did what I had to do apologize and promise to be more careful next time. I'm not being particularly brave or courageous, I'm just doing what is needed in order to move on.

But some people just cannot do that, they have to argue argue argue until the birds go home and still they would not admit that it's their fault. What's the difference between 10,000 and 19000? A whole world of difference. But not according to that shithead in penang.. I can't say this to him directly but here is what I want to say to him..

Dearest Shithead,

I would like you to take your hands then put it into your hands, I think you might not find any balls there. Please, be a man and admit that your guys have made a mistake. It's a mistake but it's not a mistake which will kill anyone, no matter how you try to bullshit, bullshit is still bullshit.

We're not 3-year olds, we do know bullshit when we see it. Can you please bite the bullet, admit that you guys had made a mistake so that we can move on. Why do you have to create so much shit that I have to go talk to your boss? Why are you wasting so much time writing bullshit emails when we can just move on and get more things done.

We're all humans, we understand that people make mistake. Move on, stop trying to push the blame, just be a man and grow balls.

Yours Truly,
Jayce-who-takes-no-shit-from-no-one

Reminder to self: Must go temple this weekend to da xiao ren.. too many xiao ren around liao..