Monday, November 05, 2007

If I had knew..

I would not had gone ahead and said yes..

I dun like the situation which I am in right now, where I get blamed, directly or indirectly for everything that had happened. blah blah blah, it's my fault.. blah blah blah, it's his fault.. but he did it for her (aka me), so ultimately it's still my fault.

I never asked for all these things, I did wanted it but if I knew about the situation, I would not had gone ahead with it. I'm not the kinda person who would ask other people for the things I desire, when I do want something, I will find ways and means to get it on my own. I dun like to feel obliged to someone when they buy things for me, I dun like the feeling that I owe people things, tangible or intangible.

How can I not feel disappointed? How can I not be upset?

No one understands the situation I'm going through but I'm ok with it, I can handle things on my own, but when they blame me for not helping them to understand me?! Wtf?! I'm trying to be understanding, I know that everyone have their own issues and problem, so in order not to burden them, I don't tell them my issues, and then it becomes my fault that they did not understand?! I'm trying to help and then in the end I get blamed for it. Fine, it's my fault for being grown up and trying to solve issues on my own.

I hate it when people say I dun care, coz I do. If I did not care, I would had fucked off a long time ago, I dun have to be there, I can always be somewhere else.

The most absurd thing is the miscommunication. It's not only once, it's twice. First time I heard about it, I'm already pissed, then they have to come tell me the wrong message again the second time, how can I not get angry? It's not about the money but the betrayal, yes I felt betrayed, it's not only a breach of trust but betrayal. You promised me that you would help me with the whole thing, fine, I accept your offer to help and then you come tell me that you want that money to go traveling? Instead of helping out your loved one with her financial needs, you wanna fucking go to a holiday? Go ahead, I dun care.

What's the point of sitting down to talk when people dun even listen to each other? Tell me what's the point?

I know what's happening in the family, I understand that finances are tight so I never wanted all the jewelry and such, I did not want them coz I know we can't afford them. Who doesn't want a perfect wedding but I know we can't afford it so I've made a lot of compromises, with the way things are going, I'm seriously considering canceling this whole thing, why make everyone miserable over something which no one would not enjoy anyway?

It's all a fucking wayang show, fucking show which no one bothers.

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