*puzzled..

.. and not very pleased..

Sometimes I really wonder what is going on.. I mean.. I mean.. damn.. The thing is not that important but it's definitely a nice-to-have, so when the realization struck that the nice-to-have is not meant to be had, it's really pretty disappointing..

What to do? I can force it to be mine, can't I? Can I? Nah.. what's the point anyway?

***
**Crude Alert**

I'm becoming more liberal with my language recently, not that I'm a very refined person to start with.. but it's really nice to be able to curse when I feel like it, and not hold it back like I've always done so. Image? What image? I dun give a damn and my colleagues are all like so. It's really liberating to be able to curse and not get weird looks.

I mean what's wrong with the word "fuck"?! It's just a word, an expression of anger/irritation, I mean isn't it better that I let it out then keep it all bottled up? Then this morning I was so pissed off that someone told me that I should not curse so much coz it's not nice for me as a woman and a future mother!!

Fuck.. Just because he had something I dun (think body part) doesn't mean he have the rights to tell me off like so. does he mean that all woman cannot curse? And I just used the word "fuck", something wrong with that? If woman dun fuck, how do they become mothers in the first place??!

And I really hate it when people assume that once I'm married, I'm all ready to pop a baby. Sorry no, marriage does not equal to parenthood. I've made it very clear to Ah Dear that I dun like children and I'm not likely to change my mind in the near future.. He knows and understands how I think about it, so why is the world still assuming that I'm ready to pop? I dun like kids, they are nothing but trouble and money-suckers, I dun see why I have to burden myself with them.

Now other people can have all the children they want, coz it's their choice and I respect them for it. It takes courage to take the first step to become a parent (or failure to take precautions, but that's another story), the commitment is huge and there's no way I can handle that. No, dun come telling me about it comes naturally, blah blah blah, that's bullshit. And it's not so different when it is your child, coz a kid is a kid, whether they share your genes or not.

Now I'm not a pessimist, I'm a realist, I see the truth for what it is. Children can be nice and sweet, but they also can be harsh and cruel, it's a gamble which I do not want to take because I'm not sure if I can take the losses.