Thursday, January 19, 2006

Where? Gone?

Sometimes being away is good.. It helps clear your mind and make you think about things that you would never have the time to think about whe you're back home and all caught up with your routines.

It's the second time in 3 months that I've been away from Singapore. Though it had been busy busy busy week for both times, I had time to wind down and think, think about what exactly do I want out of my life. Sad to say, the time for reflection had always been too short and I still do not have an answer. Or these questions can never get an answer?

I'm starting to like to travel, to experience a totally different culture :) I had loads of fun in Manila, shop and shop and shop!! The things there are just so darn cheap! The only thing I gotta hit myself for is not going into the Levi's store and get my Princess Cut!! Darn it!! Their normal 501s are only going for 2000 peso, which is about 60 bucks!! That's like half the price in Singapore!! So if my Princess cut is 170 in Singapore, it'll be about 100 over in Manila!! Damn!! Why did I not go into the store and look at the jeans?!?

Now I must start thinking of how to get my colleagues in Manila to buy them for me and ship them over.

Recently a lot of things happened to people around me and that got me thinking.. Think about what I want and where I am right now. I'm almost a quarter of a century old, yet I don't think I've done much to be proud of. I lead an average average life with an average average job. I don't like the way things are looking.

More and more often, I find myself dreaming.. dreaming about things that I can never have.. dreaming about a life away from everything I know.

But I know I can't leave, there's too many commitments, too many baggages. I can't just say I quit and that's it. I can't.

I long for the days where life is simple, where I have goals to look forward to, where I have things to work towards to. These days, days are just days, holidays are just another day. No longer do I look forward to Xmas or New Year. To me, they are just another day I have to get through. No longer are they special days that deserves to be spent in a special way.

I used to get upset when I don't get to celebrate Xmas properly. I would get all upset and sulk for the rest of the season. But last Xmas, I spent it sleeping. The magic is gone. The feeling is no longer there. Maybe it's .. .. . .. .. . . I dunno and I don't want to think about it.

New Year was worst. What countdown? What fireworks? I stayed at home to stone around, without even bothering to go out to catch the fireworks. Once again, the magic is not there anymore.

I remembered the time when we spent New Year's Eve over at East Coast, the whole group of us getting excited over flares. There was no fireworks then, only signal flares from the ships anchored along the coastline. But the flares were magical. They were simple yet they struck something in me, to me there were better than all the fireworks we had this year. Maybe it's the company, maybe it's just me.

Sometimes I would think.. ..

Where's the girl I used to know?

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