Every now and then, something (or the lack of anything to do) will lead me to wonder about my identity, who am I exactly and what makes me who I am. I just like to think about such stuff, to wonder and ponder. I have too much time on my hand mah.
But honestly, this is a question that I had not thought about for quite some time, there are many other things that occupying my mind, things like Harry Potter and what-the-heck-am-I-doing-eating-scorpions, plus I’ve been spending so much time with Ah Dear that I never really have the time and the mood to sit down alone and think about myself.
I’m always defined by the people I hang around with and the school/company I’m in. When I was younger, I’m defined by my school, I was a primary school student from Red Swastika; I’m a secondary school student from Dunman High; I’m a JC student from TPJC; I’m a undergrad from NUS. These are what had defined me when I was younger.
I think I have a stronger sense of identity back in those days, I know that I’m a student and I know what I am supposed to do. I’m supposed to study, do well and graduate with a degree. It was a path that tested and proven, there is much else that I can do, and not that I want to.
Then I have a group of friends which really helped made me who I am now, who tolerated me, who laugh and play with me, who stood by me when the going gets tough, who taught me things that I never knew.
But things went downhill after school. I became lost for I have no idea what I want to do. I just wanted to graduate and that’s about all the plans that I have. The lost of a purpose in live eroded my sense of identity, suddenly I really did not know who I am, and most times I wonder why am I here instead of someone else.
Lucky I had Darren when I graduate, so my sense of identity was about him, my world revolves about him. Whatever Darren thinks or does, that’s what I think and will do, but not all the time lah, I am still Jayce, not Darren. My whole sense of identity is pretty much all about him, that’s why I get very upset when he started work and did not have time for me. That’s why we fought when he did not come over to meet me for lunch. Coz without him, I felt lost, I lost my pillar whom I can always lean on.
Then Xianhe and Juliana and work stepped in to fill in the gap when he left. Still I was not happy, I was really at a total lost at that point of time, I did not know what to do and I did not know who to turn to. Still I am very grateful to Xianhe and Ju for always being there for me at that time, and especially Xianhe who allowed me to be the lightbulb when she goes out with Dennis. Thank you girl!!
Soon I got together with Jason and my sense of identity took another turn. He made me realise how important family is. And coz of him, my relationship with my whole family became much better than before. He helped me in identifying what I want from life and supported my decision. I thought that this helps in making me more me.
Then yesterday my manager who was leaving gave her farewell speech, talking about each of us and the usual stuff. When it came to me, she mentioned Jason, that we are a very sweet couple and things like that. I realise once again I’ve fallen into the trap. Once again my identity is not as strong as I would like it to be. Once again I’m getting too dependent on someone else.
I’m fearful that I will lose my sense of identity, but haven’t my sense of identity always built on something/someone else?