I started blogging back in May, when I just started this job and was pretty bored, nothing much to do, so blogged to kill time. But more importantly, I start to blog to let someone know about my thoughts. He refuses to meet me and it hurts, so the only thing I could do is write down my feelings and thoughts somewhere in hopes that he will read it and understand exactly what I am going through then..
For some time, I was maintaining 2 blogs, one of course is this one, the other was meant specially for that person.. The 2 are very very different, coz of the readership, I don't really write about controversial/extreme topics in this blog, whereas the other is really a place for me to rant and rave and pour my heart out.
But eventually, I closed down the other blog, coz I realise the futility of what I was doing, the person I'm writing for can't even be bothered to read what I was writing. Initially that blog had some readers, I was surprised that someone bothered to read through my long-winded posts. She said she was in the same situation before, but in the end she chose to be with the person who loves her. Her comments were encouraging at first, then she started to probe into my life, which I did not like.. that blog was for him and him alone, I did not want anyone else to read it, and even if they did, I do not want to hear their comments. I thought I knew what I was doing and I don't like people to criticise what I do. Later on, there were more negative comments, telling me I'm stupid and things, so I changed my blog address.
But ultimately I chose to close that blog coz I realise that it's hurting the one person that loves me more than anything else. I cannot let the person I love get hurt, so I closed the blog, and in many ways, closing that particular chapter of my life. Now that it's over, I really feel a burden lifted off my shoulders. He was right, things were not right for us then, maybe it will be some time down the road, but definitely not then.
Concentrating on this blog alone, I've wrote almost everyday, writing about silly things, writing reviews, writing down what I thought. There was one thing I refused to write about and that's a chronical of what I did daily.. Of course I write about what happened to me, but not those today I had lunch at where where where with who who who. Those are just boring, it's definitely not something that I want to read, and thus not something I would like to write about.
For the past week, I'm too lazy to post up pictures. But the few weeks before, I was on a photo mania, posting pics like nobody's business. But my interests fades like the tides, one moment it's here, the next it's gone, I don't feel like writing posts with tons of pictures. I have this unfinished post on my Sentosa trip with tons of pics, but I just can't see myself finishing the post. But if anyone is interested, here's the photo set. We had alot of fun, but somehow I just can't finish the post.
I think many are obessed with their blogs these days, me included.. When I take a picture, I would start thinking how would this picture look in my blog; when I have a meal, I would take pictures of all the food so that I can do a review on my blog; when I see anything interesting, I would start thinking of how to go about writing about it.
But isn't this blog started as a place to pen down my thoughts? when did it become a popularity thing? When did I started writing for an audience? I was readin the papers a few sundays back and found this comic strip by chewonit.. It really hit me. The main gist was that we used to write in diaries secretly, hoping no one will ever read it, now we blog and we cry when no one reads it. How true is that.. I constantly struggle with what exactly do I want to get out of this blog, do I want to let people know what I'm thinking, or do I just want to write down anything I like to?
I like blogs for one thing, it helped to keep friends informed. Like sometimes there are some things I find difficult to tell my friends, can't possible just call them up and tell them, hey, this this this had happened, it just seems weird. But if I blog the thing down, they can all read about it (provided they bother to do so) and know what I'm going through. Also it's good for lazy people like me, explain it once and for all on my blog and I don't have to repeat the story over and over again.
But still, I like to have a place where I can write down exactly how I feel at times. And this is not the ideal place to do so.