Di-da-di-da-di-da-di di-da-di-da di-da-da.. ..
And life goes on and on and on and on..
Heard some very sad news yesterday and was kinda shocked then sad.. coz was really looking forward for it.. and nope, it has nothing to do with me and ah dear.. We're doing just fine :)
So the sad news? This is not a private blog, I dun think it's appropriate for me to talk about it. And I shall not judge them, it's not right for me to judge when I do not know exactly what was happening.. In a way I sorta had the feeling that something like that was going to happen, but I never expect it to really happen, and in such a short space of time.
I guess what I can say is that all things happen for a reason and if they are happy, then all is well and I'm happy for them. I suck at living my own life, so who am I to judge?
And I can't blame them for not keeping me in the loop, I did not do so myself when I ran into the lowest point in my life. Some things are better to be handled by oneself. And sometimes it's just hard to open up and tell someone that you have some problems and such. It's really difficult to pull down our "faces", let down our prides and show other people how venerable we all actually are..
Heard this on tv the other day, men find it hard to take off their masks, women wears too many masks. Each and everyone of us hides behind a mask most of the time, hiding behind the mask of a good daughter, mask of a good colleague, mask of a good girlfriend. It's tiring, but that's the way our lives is lead most of the time. It's just a way to protect ourselves.
I mentioned before, I built a wall around myself when I was younger, to protect myself from harm. That is till I met Xuan and realise what good friends are really like. But there was still a layer of protection there, it was only let down when I decided to let go of everything and be with Jason. The feeling was just great. I could tell him everything, and I really mean everything, from the tiniest mandane things at work to my deepest darkest secrets. Secrets which even Darren do not know about. It was not that Darren was not a good friend, it's just that I did not feel that he would understand where i came from in regards to certain matters. And he can be pretty judgemental at times, but who isn't?
I miss having Darren to talk to. He influenced me a lot in the whole time we were together. First I spoke much better English coz of him, coz that idiot is a "eat potato" man, he can't speak proper mandarin for saving his life, so the whole time through we conserve in English, which is really good for me. Now I know it's vaNilla and not vaniLLa.
Also we don't always see things eye to eye, so we have a lot of debates, not arguements. We'll go on and on debating on these topics, and it's good coz I have a chance to practice my debating skills and I got alot of new insights from such debates.
And I guess the thing I miss most is having the chance to go riding together, just the two of us.. Ah dear don't get the wrong idea ok, I'm prefectly happy with what we have now, and you are NOT BORING AND UNROMANTIC ok. I just enjoy going out for rides at night.. on the bike.. feeling each other's body heat.. the feeling where there's only me and him.. not speaking yet always there.. I can't explain the feeling but it's just that.
He's still angry at me over the ranting a few weeks back. I don't blame him, but I don't regret posting that too, I was just too angry. And I have a knack of hitting a person's softest point when I'm pissed at them. I should apologise, but I don't want to do it over my blog, maybe I don't want to do it all, it doesn't really matter coz he's not speaking to me now. Anyway his gf does not like us talking too. Ah dear don't feel comfortable about it too, but he repects my choice and trusts me. I do hope his gf feels the same way.
Now think about it, I should apologise to him. Darren, if you happen to read this, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I dragged out the past and ranted about it. I'm not apologising for criticizing you at that point of time, BUT I'm sorry that I dragged out our past. what happened is already over, I should not had brought them up again. I sincerely apologise. Don't be angry with me can? pretty please.. *blink blink* don't be angry already oki..
my gosh, I've digressed so much.. back to the sad news, all good things must come to an end and without an end, there cannot be a new beginning. Everyone of us goes through changes, so much changes all the time. The best way to handle changes is to smile and give whatever support we can. Already 24 liao, we should know better, and the persons involved knows best.